Or, How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Knife
This journal was recovered from a series of massive catacombs beneath the earth's surface. It is believed to be the last known record of the famous explorer "McStabedy" James.
3:05Trapped deep underground with favorite pointy thing "Stabstab". Elect to go blundering off blindly. Found dead guy, borrowed his pistol. Door magically closes behind me, now cut off from only known water supply. Found bottle of mysterious red liquid. Thirsty, so decide to see if poisonous by drinking. Felt oddly refreshed.
3:07Encountered strange new creature. Decide to name him "Squiggy". He will be my new best friend and we will have many adventures together.
3:12Squiggy apparently had a large extended family. All of them throwing up, so decide to put them out of their misery.
3:16Am apparently exploring old, mostly depleted German ammunition mine. Harvesting rare deposits of bullets as I go. Strange, hallways as though ammunition grew on bushes.
3:18Encounter snazily adorned and surprisingly mobile dead man. Guess from turban that he is the ambassador of Deadopia. Must be scouting my ammo mine. Attempt to establish diplomatic relations.
3:19Negotiations break down. Deadopian ambassador begins throwing bits of himself at me. Worse than that time I met the queen of England. Stabstab resolves differences handily. Stole ambassador's turban.
3:22Squiggy's family very fruitful, but also very queasy. Must be squatting in my ammo mine. Deadopeans probably here to offer medical aid in exchange for chance to exploit mine. Stolen turban fails to fool Deadopians into believing I am one of them, and Squiggy's family still unhappy over me devouring him, so have to slaughter them all. Learning to love screams Squiggy's family makes when being stabbed.
3:27Find strange glowing crystal. At first thought it was plutonium, but hair and teeth haven't fallen out like when exploring Chernobyl. Crystal shoots energy bolts, decide to name it shootonium.
3:31Encountered ring wraith. So Sauron is after my ammo mine as well! Shootonium handily disposes of him. With its valuable bullet and shootonium deposits this mine could make me rich! Must venture deeper to clear out squatters and claim jumpers. I'll try to find the shootonium motherlode.
3:37Deeper underground. Encountered race of hideous but peaceful hunchbacks. Decided that they will make perfect source of slave labor for mine. Will subjugate them by stabbing all I encounter.
3:42Attacked by flying catfish that spits giant atoms. At first though potion from earlier had sent me on bad trip, but giant atoms hurt too much to not be real. Catfish explode like child's balloon when stabbed, but pieces less tasty than balloon rubber.
(The paper becomes slightly charred here.)
3:56Actually not invincible. Found red crystal. Found out it shoots flame and lost most of facial hair. Will name it burnonium.
4:03Found race of creatures created from play-dough. Bland but filling, especially when toasted with burnonium. Reminds me of grade school. Still can't understand why they changed the play-dough formula to non-toxic. Was extra delicious that way.
(Here the handwriting becomes erratic and the paper is covered with oddly colored stains.)
Very sick. Probably shouldn't have eaten all those creatures and drunk all those strange potions. Vomiting uncontrollably. This behavior appears to have convinced one of Squiggy's relatives that I'm one of them, and I've sent it to get help. Whoever finds this, if I don't survive, make sure Stabstab gets a good home.
(Several pages are covered with illegible scrawlings and smelly stains)
Feeling better, but have lost track of time. Decide to try experiment. Am going to combine shootonium and burnonium to create a superweapon. With it I will finally crush my enemies and secure total control over the ammo mine. Will combine them by slamming both crystals together as hard as I can.
Success! The crystals have fused together and are vibrating violently with power! Beams of fire and energy are randomly leaping from the crystals, searing everything around them. All the nearby creatures have fled, doubtlessly in awe of my new weapon. The glow from the crystals is becoming blinding, and they are emitting an earsplitting keening noise that grows steadily louder. Hmm, perhaps I sho...
(The narrative cuts off abruptly here. The journal was found near the site of a massive cave in, caused by some sort of extremely powerful explosion. Embedded in the wall next to the Journal, probably by the same explosion that caused the cave in, was a large knife with "Stabstab" carved on the handle. The whereabouts of "McStabedy" James are still unknown at this time, though his friends and loved ones are said to live in abject fear of his return.)
Note: It is not known how "MacStabedy" James combined the two crystals. It was previously thought that such a thing was not possible. As there is no evidence supporting what "MacStabedy" did the MPiD Team concludes that you cannot combine crystals to kill yourself. How he really died remains a mystery. (Maybe he did combine the crystals?).